imjustkyian

my day-to-day life has been filled with a lot of butterflies and goofy smiling lately

thanks for that ^////^　

it’s sickening as hell when people tell you their problems,

ask you for advice,

but when you give them your advice,

they don’t take it into account,

tell you you’re not helping just because you’re not telling them what they want to hear,

and then wonder why their problems worsen when they go ahead and do something anyway.　

fucking.

listen.

to.

me.

i really need to learn to be a bit more confident about myself.

like modesty is okay now and again,

but i just flat out rag on myself sometimes.

i need to learn to just never get my hopes up

glad to see that everyone else has their entire futures planned out.

meanwhile i don’t even know what i’m doing tomorrow.

that1dancer:

Dad: So how’s Chris doin?

Me: He’s better. Home now with mono and an underlying infection. I”m not sure what it is though. I need to call the Dr. to get tested myself.

Dad: Mono? Underlying infection? What else is wrong with this kid?

Me: Blocked Artery, half a heart, mono, infection, tumor on his tibia. I mean that banine but still causes him a lot of pain…

Dad: *sighs* I can see it getting more and more complicated.

Me: What do you mean? …Is it the age thing?

Dad: No. It’s the worry thing. He has so much… medical stuff going on..I just get scared for you some days. I mean, this week, him being at the hospital consistently toeing the line between loosing him, and him being fine…I don’t know Nicole…I mean did you even think how it would effect you if he were to…ya know?

Me: No. I can’t think about it. I can’t think about it being a reality. Because if it was to become one, I don’t know how long I would stay here.

Dad: You need to. It’s a possibility. And it’s going to send you backwards all over again and we won’t be able to deal with it. It’s not something you or I am going to be able to pull you out of…I just wish you would just be friends.

Me: We were ”just friends” for three years. Now this is what we are. But you do realize, that regardless of the label we have, the feeling doesn’t go away. I would still feel the way I do, and us being ”just friends” wouldn’t make the matter any different. I’ll still infinitely love him the way I do. I’ll still care about him just as much as I ever have.

It won’t become a reality. I refuse to accept that. I love this kid more than anyone will understand. There are no words to describe the feelings I have for him. Yes, this week was hard, and I was scared shitless of everything that could have happen, but not for one second could I let myself even think of losing him. I couldn’t do it. Because I can’t live in a world where he doesn’t exist. I know that that’s pretty heavy to hear coming from me, but it’s true. I need to believe that everything with him will get better and that these thing will go away with time. 

*long hard pause*

Dad: Well then…Love? Really.

Me: Without a doubt.